It’s been a long while since I’ve last updated this blog. Mostly the radio silence was due to having no news to share. But recently things have changed, so I guess I will talk about it. I’m still not quite sure how I feel about everything.
I have been having worsening symptoms that I have been told are due to my reproductive organs being glued to my bowel. In mid-October I went to the ER, worried that I had appendicitis after experiencing bursts of the worst abdominal pain of my life, which eventually spread over to my right. After undergoing blood tests, a CT scan, and an ultrasound, it was determined that my appendix was fine, and that the pain was being caused by the “ovarian cysts” (which aren’t “cysts”; my fallopian tubes are engorged and that is what keeps showing as cysts on all the imaging tests). The doctor at the ER urged me to consider having surgery, because if they rupture it could become life threatening. So when I got home I called the gynecological oncologist and made an appointment to see him on Halloween. He decided then that we would proceed with the surgery to remove my fallopian tubes, unstick my ovaries, remove the adhesions, and “clean up” all the endo that’s causing me issues.
Since then I’ve just been waiting for a surgery date. I was initially told it would be “sometime after Thanksgiving.” Well, here we are, four days before Christmas and I still don’t have a date set; however, I do know that my surgery will either be performed at the end of January of beginning of February. I guess things in the office are hectic during the holidays and it’s delayed getting me scheduled.
It will be a challenge getting to Berkeley (and back) for the surgery, since it is a 2.5 hour drive away from where I live. There are a lot of risks, and a lot of things that could go wrong, but I am trying not to focus on that. I am trying to stay positive. Part of me just wants to get it over and done with. But, another part of me still mourns the finality of it; after this, I will no longer be able to get pregnant. I have been having recurring dreams recently about having babies, or not being able to have babies. I always wake up feeling sad, but the feeling passes. I don’t even necessarily want to have children; but knowing that I won’t be able to is a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes I start thinking of “what might have been” and I feel regret. Despite that, I feel like I am making the right decision.
So, that’s that. Sometime in the next month I should be having surgery, and afterwards I will be infertile. I just hope everything goes smoothly and I don’t experience any complications. And that the surgery actually relieves my symptoms.