The human body is designed to fail. We can try to avoid it all we want, but it’s inevitable. We all die someday. Some sooner than others. I know this is a morbid thought, but I’ve been reflecting on my situation and keep wondering why did this happen to me? Well, why does anything happen to anyone? Why do little kids get cancer? Why are babies born with brain damage? Why do people get diseases? Is it really some form of ‘punishment,’ or just nature doing what it does — breaking down our bodies because someday, we all must die?
In this regard, I am very lucky. I have had several cancer scares but have never had cancer. I have a benign condition that can cause complications with other organs if not treated properly, but I haven’t been given a death sentence, or a slim chance for survival. I saw a video recently of a teenage girl who was shaving her head after having a relapse with ovarian cancer. She was first diagnosed at 14 and she didn’t want to feel like cancer and chemo stole her hair from her, so she shaved it before it could fall out because that was the one thing she could control. That kind of put my own situation in perspective. It sucks that the universe served that girl a heaping pile of crap and at such a young age. But her attitude seems much more positive than mine and I sincerely hope that she beats the odds and lives a long, happy life.
When it comes down to it, my situation could be far, far worse. I am grateful it’s not. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be angry or grieve for what I am losing. I feel the way I feel and there’s no shame in that. I need to experience these feelings because if I shut them down, they’ll likely resurface later and be much harder to deal with.
I am giving myself a year to feel sad and then I hope I can move on. But maybe I won’t ever be able to move on. Maybe I will always hold on to some sadness for what could have been. I hope not though. And I hope eventually that I will stop being angry at the universe. I hope that someday I can find inner peace, not just regarding my current situation but in my life as a whole. Someday, I hope I can forgive the universe for all the heaping piles of crap it’s given me.
Just not today.